Today, in God's infinite goodness and graciousness, He allowed me to see my blessings after starting the day in a cranky and foul mood...
My husband asked me this morning, "How are you?" knowing full well I was off.
I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling so I said, "I'm fine" without looking him in the eye.
I am in my ninth month of pregnancy and not sleeping well at night.
I am more fussy than usual.
I am frustrated in this election year with people who are unaware of what is happening in our country.
So in my tired and fussy state, I headed out in the late afternoon to visit one of my dearest friends and her daughter in the hospital.
On the way to the hospital I see what I think to be a prostitute on a corner of town where I wouldn't normally expect to see one. I can only assume she is one from the way she is dressed and walking up and down the corner. The only feeling I can experience is sheer sadness. I cannot imagine what her life must be like. I can only imagine her struggle to love herself or allow God to love her while living a life of others taking advantage of her. I think of the danger she puts herself in. I imagine her sharing the most intimate part of her being with a selfish stranger. I start to feel sick and pray for her on the way to the hospital and thank God it is not me on the street corner.
I get to the hospital where my friend and her daughter have been for nine days now after coming through major brain surgery on Wednesday. I take one look at them and things fall into place for me pretty quickly. I can't believe I woke up feeling sorry for myself today. I am ashamed and once again thank God for putting me in a place where I can put things in perspective.
When I am leaving the hospital a young mother approaches me looking to start a conversation about my very pregnant belly. She asks me which baby this is for me. When I tell her it is my seventh she can barely believe me. She says, "Oh, you must be married to have so many children." She tells me she is the mother of two young children with neither fathers around. She works and raises her children on her own and tells me she doesn't spend her time with the right kind of men. We talk about hope and how there are always noble men out there waiting to be found. We talk about doing what is best for our children and try to rise above ourselves every day. She tells me she has given up hope. I try and share how Jesus' Passion, death and resurrection give us hope. I say the words out loud and am quickly humbled by my own words regarding my feelings of hopelessness.
I continue to walk back to my car and see the most beautiful rainbow I've seen. I don't know if this woman will notice the rainbow on her way out or equate it with God's message of hope for us. I am humbled by her struggles in life and pray for her and her children.
I pray in thanksgiving for my noble and beautiful spouse.
On the way home I tune into Relevant Radio and for the first time am introduced to Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield. He is continuing with the message of detachment from the world and God meeting us where we are and I am completely in awe of how God grabbed a hold of my attention and shook me with things I needed to hear today.
Thank you Lord for revealing my weaknesses and my blessings to me today.
Keep me far from despair, doubt and hopelessness as it is so easy to stumble into self pity some days.
And thank you most for revealing Yourself to mewhen I needed You most.
There is a hole inside that cannot be filled. Anyone who has experienced profound loss knows of the depth of this hole. Although Jesus continues to heal, healing can be a complicated and messy process that is not easy to figure out at times. And we must wait until His healing comes in His time and not ours. I finally understand it isn't until the end of the journey that we will experience the peace we so long for and the knowledge that surpasses all understanding that will finally explain the painful whys. So we continue to sit with our brokenness and wait and hopefully find purpose and meaning while we are trying to live out His will until the day He calls us to come to Him.