New Life...

Our first moment together,

Julia and me,

Peace filled bliss,

Thank God she is here.

The love story continues...

On Being Humbled

Today, in God's infinite goodness and graciousness, He allowed me to see my blessings after starting the day in a cranky and foul mood...

My husband asked me this morning, "How are you?" knowing full well I was off.

I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling so I said, "I'm fine" without looking him in the eye.

I am in my ninth month of pregnancy and not sleeping well at night.

I am more fussy than usual.

I am frustrated in this election year with people who are unaware of what is happening in our country.

So in my tired and fussy state, I headed out in the late afternoon to visit one of my dearest friends and her daughter in the hospital. 

On the way to the hospital I see what I think to be a prostitute on a corner of town where I wouldn't normally expect to see one.  I can only assume she is one from the way she is dressed and walking up and down the corner.  The only feeling I can experience is sheer sadness.  I cannot imagine what her life must be like.  I can only imagine her struggle to love herself or allow God to love her while living a life of others taking advantage of her.  I think of the danger she puts herself in. I imagine her sharing the most intimate part of her being with a selfish stranger. I start to feel sick and pray for her on the way to the hospital and thank God it is not me on the street corner.

I get to the hospital where my friend and her daughter have been for nine days now after coming through major brain surgery on Wednesday. I take one look at them and things fall into place for me pretty quickly. I can't believe I woke up feeling sorry for myself today.  I am ashamed and once again thank God for putting me in a place where I can put things in perspective.

When I am leaving the hospital a young mother approaches me looking to start a conversation about my very pregnant belly.  She asks me which baby this is for me.  When I tell her it is my seventh she can barely believe me.  She says, "Oh, you must be married to have so many children."  She tells me she is the mother of two young children with neither fathers around.  She works and raises her children on her own and tells me she doesn't spend her time with the right kind of men. We talk about hope and how there are always noble men out there waiting to be found. We talk about doing what is best for our children and try to rise above ourselves every day.  She tells me she has given up hope.  I try and share how Jesus' Passion, death and resurrection give us hope.  I say the words out loud and am quickly humbled by my own words regarding my feelings of hopelessness.  

I continue to walk back to my car and see the most beautiful rainbow I've seen.  I don't know if this woman will notice the rainbow on her way out or equate it with God's message of hope for us.  I am humbled by her struggles in life and pray for her and her children.  

I pray in thanksgiving for my noble and beautiful spouse.

On the way home I tune into Relevant Radio and for the first time am introduced to Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield.  He is continuing with the message of detachment from the world and God meeting us where we are and I am completely in awe of how God grabbed a hold of my attention and shook me with things I needed to hear today.

Thank you Lord for revealing my weaknesses and my blessings to me today.

Keep me far from despair, doubt and hopelessness as it is so easy to stumble into self pity some days.

And thank you most for revealing Yourself to me when I needed You most.

Large Family Annoyances

While out to eat recently with my five kiddos, a friend's child and a really pregnant belly, 

a woman came up to me out of the blue and had the gall to say,
"You look almost completely overwhelmed!"
And the first thought that came to my mind was,

"Wow, I've never heard that one before!"

And then my second thought was,

"I have an extra child with me which is a little challenging but hey, I'm still in control here!"

This woman gave herself permission to say "completely overwhelmed" 

by putting "almost" in front of it.  

First, I laughed and then complete annoyance came over me.

Peace I bequeath to you, my own peace I give you,

a peace which the world cannot give, this is my gift to you.

Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.

John 14:27

Lord, why do I still care what strangers think of me?

And for heaven's sake why do people give themselves permission to say whatever they want to say to larger families?

When did larger families become dumping grounds for people to project their own issues on to us?

What if I walked up to every small family and inquired about their family planning?

"Are you done yet?"

Sometimes I think my response to such people should be...

"These sweet babes bring patience and tolerance to help me put up with people like you!"
(My OBGYN and I came up with this one!)

The reason I am writing about this is it doesn't happen once in a blue moon but almost any time we venture out together.

But by God's grace, I didn't turn around to see the woman's face so I couldn't confront her.

I had a good idea as to who she was as she kept turning around to stare at us while sitting with her husband and her one self sufficient child.

I started to think to myself...
"My, you look almost completely underwhelmed with your one child!

"Do you feel better about yourself for saying that to me?"

"How do you know what I can handle?"

And "Who are you?"

Eventually, I work through all the thoughts that come into my head, I start to settle down and think of Oprah's words of wisdom...

"When you know better, you do better."

Easy to apply to myself but harder to apply to others.

As my husband often says to me, 

"Who cares what other people think?" 

And, I think really, can you teach me not to care?

And he reminds me again and again
that we are the ones who are truly blessed. 

Happy Birthday Rose!

Happy Birthday Sweetest One!
We can't wait to see and hold you one day again!
Love, Mama

http://www.ourbabyrose.com/

On Profound Loss

There is a hole inside that cannot be filled.
Anyone who has experienced profound loss knows of the depth of this hole.
Although Jesus continues to heal, healing can be a complicated and messy process
that is not easy to figure out at times.
And we must wait until His healing comes in His time and not ours.
I finally understand it isn't until the end of the journey
that we will experience the peace we so long for
and the knowledge that surpasses all understanding
that will finally explain the painful whys.
So we continue to sit with our brokenness and wait
and hopefully find purpose and meaning
while we are trying to live out His will
until the day He calls us to come to Him.

January 5, 2012

"Everything I am
Everything I long to be
I lay it down at Your feet..."
-Matt Maher

Rosie, we miss you so very, very much.