On Being Humbled

Today, in God's infinite goodness and graciousness, He allowed me to see my blessings after starting the day in a cranky and foul mood...

My husband asked me this morning, "How are you?" knowing full well I was off.

I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling so I said, "I'm fine" without looking him in the eye.

I am in my ninth month of pregnancy and not sleeping well at night.

I am more fussy than usual.

I am frustrated in this election year with people who are unaware of what is happening in our country.

So in my tired and fussy state, I headed out in the late afternoon to visit one of my dearest friends and her daughter in the hospital. 

On the way to the hospital I see what I think to be a prostitute on a corner of town where I wouldn't normally expect to see one.  I can only assume she is one from the way she is dressed and walking up and down the corner.  The only feeling I can experience is sheer sadness.  I cannot imagine what her life must be like.  I can only imagine her struggle to love herself or allow God to love her while living a life of others taking advantage of her.  I think of the danger she puts herself in. I imagine her sharing the most intimate part of her being with a selfish stranger. I start to feel sick and pray for her on the way to the hospital and thank God it is not me on the street corner.

I get to the hospital where my friend and her daughter have been for nine days now after coming through major brain surgery on Wednesday. I take one look at them and things fall into place for me pretty quickly. I can't believe I woke up feeling sorry for myself today.  I am ashamed and once again thank God for putting me in a place where I can put things in perspective.

When I am leaving the hospital a young mother approaches me looking to start a conversation about my very pregnant belly.  She asks me which baby this is for me.  When I tell her it is my seventh she can barely believe me.  She says, "Oh, you must be married to have so many children."  She tells me she is the mother of two young children with neither fathers around.  She works and raises her children on her own and tells me she doesn't spend her time with the right kind of men. We talk about hope and how there are always noble men out there waiting to be found. We talk about doing what is best for our children and try to rise above ourselves every day.  She tells me she has given up hope.  I try and share how Jesus' Passion, death and resurrection give us hope.  I say the words out loud and am quickly humbled by my own words regarding my feelings of hopelessness.  

I continue to walk back to my car and see the most beautiful rainbow I've seen.  I don't know if this woman will notice the rainbow on her way out or equate it with God's message of hope for us.  I am humbled by her struggles in life and pray for her and her children.  

I pray in thanksgiving for my noble and beautiful spouse.

On the way home I tune into Relevant Radio and for the first time am introduced to Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield.  He is continuing with the message of detachment from the world and God meeting us where we are and I am completely in awe of how God grabbed a hold of my attention and shook me with things I needed to hear today.

Thank you Lord for revealing my weaknesses and my blessings to me today.

Keep me far from despair, doubt and hopelessness as it is so easy to stumble into self pity some days.

And thank you most for revealing Yourself to me when I needed You most.

Large Family Annoyances

While out to eat recently with my five kiddos, a friend's child and a really pregnant belly, 

a woman came up to me out of the blue and had the gall to say,
"You look almost completely overwhelmed!"
And the first thought that came to my mind was,

"Wow, I've never heard that one before!"

And then my second thought was,

"I have an extra child with me which is a little challenging but hey, I'm still in control here!"

This woman gave herself permission to say "completely overwhelmed" 

by putting "almost" in front of it.  

First, I laughed and then complete annoyance came over me.

Peace I bequeath to you, my own peace I give you,

a peace which the world cannot give, this is my gift to you.

Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.

John 14:27

Lord, why do I still care what strangers think of me?

And for heaven's sake why do people give themselves permission to say whatever they want to say to larger families?

When did larger families become dumping grounds for people to project their own issues on to us?

What if I walked up to every small family and inquired about their family planning?

"Are you done yet?"

Sometimes I think my response to such people should be...

"These sweet babes bring patience and tolerance to help me put up with people like you!"
(My OBGYN and I came up with this one!)

The reason I am writing about this is it doesn't happen once in a blue moon but almost any time we venture out together.

But by God's grace, I didn't turn around to see the woman's face so I couldn't confront her.

I had a good idea as to who she was as she kept turning around to stare at us while sitting with her husband and her one self sufficient child.

I started to think to myself...
"My, you look almost completely underwhelmed with your one child!

"Do you feel better about yourself for saying that to me?"

"How do you know what I can handle?"

And "Who are you?"

Eventually, I work through all the thoughts that come into my head, I start to settle down and think of Oprah's words of wisdom...

"When you know better, you do better."

Easy to apply to myself but harder to apply to others.

As my husband often says to me, 

"Who cares what other people think?" 

And, I think really, can you teach me not to care?

And he reminds me again and again
that we are the ones who are truly blessed. 

Happy Birthday Rose!

Happy Birthday Sweetest One!
We can't wait to see and hold you one day again!
Love, Mama

http://www.ourbabyrose.com/

On Profound Loss

There is a hole inside that cannot be filled.
Anyone who has experienced profound loss knows of the depth of this hole.
Although Jesus continues to heal, healing can be a complicated and messy process
that is not easy to figure out at times.
And we must wait until His healing comes in His time and not ours.
I finally understand it isn't until the end of the journey
that we will experience the peace we so long for
and the knowledge that surpasses all understanding
that will finally explain the painful whys.
So we continue to sit with our brokenness and wait
and hopefully find purpose and meaning
while we are trying to live out His will
until the day He calls us to come to Him.

January 5, 2012

"Everything I am
Everything I long to be
I lay it down at Your feet..."
-Matt Maher

Rosie, we miss you so very, very much.

Dec. 6 - Feast of St. Nicholas

Why today is such an important day for our family... 

 We tried to have Rose baptized at our new parish when we moved away but when we inquired about baptism they told us we would have to be parishioners for three months for Rose to receive the sacrament of baptism there. Granted we were inquiring about this three months after she was born and we didn't want to wait any longer to have her baptized. Since this new parish had over 7,000 parishioners and we didn't personally know the priests we decided it best that we come back home to have her baptized. By the time we made arrangements for her baptism, Rose's Godmother, Sally, was traveling outside the country and when she arrived home our beloved priest, Fr. Bud, was traveling outside of the country as well. We had to wait a few more months until all the details came together all the while thinking Rose will be fine until we get her baptized but still having a sense of urgency to push forward with making this happen. 

We finally settled on the date, Dec. 6th, the Feast of St. Nicholas for her baptism. 

Rose's baptism was a most beautiful occasion. Our favorite faithful friends came to pray and celebrate with us. Rose was only baptized 30 days before her unexpected death. How I thanked and praised God for the gift of her baptism. 

I know there are people who do not believe in infant baptism and do not understand the sense of urgency some Christians have to baptize a child. I don't want to start a discussion on infant baptism but the bible is full of scripture verses referring to and asking the children and infants to come to Jesus. I once knew a priest who said, "Don't worry too much about getting the babies baptized right away. They are fine and if it is too stressful when they are newborns wait until things calm down." This priest eventually left the priesthood but if I saw him again I would tell him he was wrong with his approach on waiting to baptize infants as we never know when death will come upon any of us so why would we delay anyone's baptism? 

We know a beautiful and faithful family that lost their newborn daughter during what was supposed to be a normal and safe surgical procedure for her medical condition. Thankfully there was a priest at the hospital with them but their story is another difficult example of how we never know what is really going to happen from one moment to the next. 

Sadly we just think if we try hard enough to control our lives we will somehow be able to. We've had to learn the hard way that control is only an illusion and control is the opposite of love. Now I have to wake up everyday and ask for the strength to let go of my controlling tendencies.

And today I now understand that the need to control our own lives and the lives of our family and friends, no matter how well meaning it is, is out of fear of having no control at all. And what would happen if we knew deep down knew we had no real control in our lives (which all of us will eventually know one day - losing a loved one, having an accident, losing our health, the break up of a marriage, things not going in accordance to what the vision of lives originally was, and ultimately losing our own lives...) we would have to rely upon God 100% and this would be the most scary thing of all...for us to give up total control of our lives and completely surrender to the will of the Father. 

But people do this and become saints in heaven and become beacons of light for us to learn to let go... 

In our home we don’t always remember baptismal days. My children were lucky if we recognized the month in which they were baptized. But with one child I mistakenly had the wrong month of her baptism on the calendar. 

I thought our daughter Therese was baptized in October (I “misplaced” her baptismal certificate) and this past spring I was given a copy from the church where she was baptized as she needed it for her First Communion. I wept with tears of joy when I saw that her baptismal date was actually today, the same date as her sweet sister, Rose. What if we had actually known Therese's baptismal date? I probably would have said, "Oh, no we will need to change Rose's baptismal date so they can celebrate different baptismal days." What if I would have pushed off Rose's baptismal date? But thankfully in my confusion I did not know the correct date and because of my ignorance, my daughter Therese has a very special connection with her sister, Rose who is now a saint in heaven. And for us, this is just another sign that He is present among us, continually revealing Himself by taking care of all the details, big and small...

11-11-11

All ones...

This is a fun and silly story for me to share because I do not have an ounce of superstition in me. I am overly practical and to the point. I don't need to "see" big, flashy physical signs or miracles in the world to believe because God has always revealed Himself to me in very subtle ways...

Part 1:

Before I met my husband there was another person I was spending time with that once told me he always would notice all ones...on clocks, signs, computers, etc. He was feeling a little lonely in life and decided all the ones he saw, meant he would be all alone. Now this was terribly depressing to hear and although I am not the biggest optimist I knew this was even off for me. Then out of the blue, I start noticing all ones! And I began to get really mad about this because I know I am not "all alone" in the world. I didn't want to take on this bleak aspect! So I thought all the ones did not mean "all alone" and I began looking for a new message for the all ones I started to now see everywhere!

Part 2:

So the night I met my husband (a fun story to share another time) I had found my new take on all ones! By the end of the evening my husband had written his information in my address book I carried with me (yes, this was before smart phones when we walked around with paper address books for our contacts.) When I got home I saw that one of his phone numbers was (***)***-1111. Although I had no idea how smitten I was with this man a smile came across my face and I thought, "Well, look there...these all ones seem to not be such a bad thing!" I soon realized that my husband was the love of my life and the man I was called to marriage with and I started to rejoice when I saw all ones because it didn't stand for all alone...all the ones meant yeah! first place!

So now, when I glance down at my phone and the time says 11:11 I try to very quickly text my husband before it gets to 11:12 and tell him it's 11:11 because this is now our reminder of our days together.

I told you it was a silly story but today is 11-11-11 which is another way to tell my husband he's the "one" for me!